I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
