not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
