i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
