I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
