Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
