ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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