Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
please come you make the beer taste better
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
