There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
