Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
