So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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