Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
