does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
