Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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