Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
