someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
