Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
