he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
