She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
