So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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