You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
