You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
