My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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