eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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