I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
