wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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