I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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