if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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