When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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