I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
