I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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