the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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