I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
