What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
