I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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