last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
