so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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