he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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