your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
