i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
