Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
