i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
