Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
