Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
