My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
