I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I touched a dick in church today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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