The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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