You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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