Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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