I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
