So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
