Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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