11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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